So much has changed lately. It is like I went to another
world. I am back with the one man that I love more than anyone in the world. (Well,
minus my kid of course.) I am elated, and floating on cloud nine. We have plans
to move in together and start our lives as a couple. Though part of me feels
deep down I am and never will be good enough for him, or anything near what he
deserves. There is still so much of him
I do not know, which excites me. I am worried though, deep down truly worried
that it will be just like the others.
This relationship isn’t so different from what I am used
too. The only thing that is, is him saying he isn’t my master, just my
boyfriend. Though he Dom’s me left and right. I am not ashamed of him being my Master;
I am by far not caring who knows it. I often think why he says this. Maybe he
is ashamed of saying I am his submissive? Perhaps it is society? I don’t know.
My daughter loves him to death already so that is a plus. My daughters father
is friends with him, and they get along so an even bigger bonus.
I am not afraid of my family finding out that we are
together. As far as I am concerned if they don’t like him too bad. Do I want
them to get along? Sure, but it isn’t the end of the world, because he will be
my family. Though I admit sometimes I feel neglected. I think it’s just me.
Maybe I am feeling needy? I am truly terrified that the past will happen again.
He will leave me for someone else. I am doing my best to move past my fears and
make him happy. Is it wrong that I want to be happy too?
I feel selfish for wanting to be happy. I don’t ever do
anything for myself. I am constantly doing things for others. Take my second
life game. I buy money in it to get stuff, go shopping etc. yet I mainly give
it away, to friends and those that I feel are needing it more than me. Then by
the time the balance is at 0. I sigh because there are things I wanted. I have
no idea why I do this. Maybe I feel I don’t deserve it?
I love Carl. I want him to be happy, and I need to please
him. I fear if I don’t, he will just toss me aside like everyone else. Hell
even my own father said I was just a liability to my family. Maybe deep down that
is what I am? I hate thinking these thoughts but they have been run into me day
after day. Hell my ex left me a nice email, saying that I am nothing but a
worthless piece of trash. Is he right? I don’t know.
I see people everywhere that are happy. When I try to snatch
on to a little bit of it, I am called a cunt or a bitch, or rude,
self-centered, selfish. I hate feeling this way. I know many will say that I
was selfish for wanting to keep my Master to myself. Too bad, that’s how I want
it. I don’t do chains; I don’t do other women in the bedroom. It is me, and
him. Poly might work for others, but it doesn’t for me. I am not selfish because
that is how I want it.
I love him enough to say that he is enough for me. I just hope
my loyalty and devotion are shown through. I hope deep down he can see I love
him, so purely, so deeply that I need no one else but him in my life. That I
want him, I adore him, and he is the only one that I see myself growing old
with. Both in D/s and Vanilla worlds.
I love you my Master…even if you won’t admit that’s what you
are to me.
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