JOURNAL for Aesa - 2

So this week has been very trying on me. Ender has officially started work, and hasn’t been around. I don’t know if I can handle that for long. Then he snapped at me several times, ignored me, and I just don’t know what is going on. I often feel as of late that he just doesn’t want to be around, or even with me. I know that is just a fear of mine. My little insecurities but what can I say. I think I am bad luck. I get a Master, then they leave SL. *ponders*

On top of which, he wanted me to talk to my mother. I did. She was by far not happy. She thinks that he cannot take care of me, because of his health issues, and she doesn’t think he can make me happy. She said she would be civil but she doesn’t have to like him. He is upset that it won’t be an easy ride being with me. There is nothing I can do about it, but I can and will defend him against my family, to the point that I will disown them. Just ever since I talked to my mom; my Master has been a little distant and different with me. I don’t know why, but it sucks.

I finally made it to level 2 in Haifa. This is awesome. I will get to start teaching soon. I am not sure what I want to teach of now, but I am excited. I plan to make all the classes I teach interactive, so I can gain a lot of input from the kajirae. This should be fun and exciting. At least I hope it will be.

I was nervous when I was collared. I had been so hurt so bad before. Abused, and mentally fucked. I can’t go through that again. I didn’t want to be a slave at first. I fought it, and didn’t listen and was very insolent. I didn’t want men touching me because of what happened before, so my Master enrolled me in Haifa. Now all I want is to be pleasing, an serve men fully, but now I can’t because my Master wont remove my chastity belt off.  I am damned if I don’t and damned if I do.

I can’t complain really. I am happy. I love my Master, and I love all Masters. I get to be a slave finally. I did a happy dance when I found out. I don’t ever want to be a free woman again. If it happens, I will leave Gor for good. My slave fire was lit again, I don’t know how it happened but it did. Now it burns so hot, my belly hurts all the time. I need it to be guided and molded.  I need to be at the feet of men, at their mercy.