Journal Three Insecurities

Today I woke up so sore. Falling down the stairs really did a number on my body. I woke up and took the coldest of showers too which did not feel so good on my muscles. Thankfully I didn’t fall down the stairs today. Although my little brother did. I laughed for obvious reasons. No one was harmed! I didn’t do much however, just spent some time online with my Master.

This was good at first. We were busy playing our game, but then he suddenly afk’d. This really irritated me. Not so much for him AFKing, but more because we only get so much time together as it is. He said his back was hurting too, so he went offline today earlier than normal. That I don’t fault him on at all, I just want him to get better.

So my Master collared my friend too. It is strictly just for role play, but the jealousy twinge still kicks in. Don’t get me wrong, I adore my friend and she has a man in real life, but I try my hardest to get around sharing. I don’t like hearing that he was online spending time with her when I am not around. It makes me feel left out. That is part of my insecurities. I am really trying to not listen to them. If anyone has any ideas how to get over stuff like this, please let me know.

Journal 2 Family Fued

Where do I begin? Today was supposed to be a joyous day. It wasn’t! To start my day, I fell down seven stairs, which caused me to hit my head. Then I proceeded to have a migraine for the rest of the day. On top of it all, my Master, and my Role play father, in our game decided to have an argument. My Role play father went too far, and admitted he was madly in love with me in Real life, and wanted to be with me.

Now I feel I have to distance myself. This is hard for me because I care for him so much, but not in the way he wants me too. I just don’t get it. He should never have crossed those lines. After he did however, he then proceeded to tell me if I follow certain orders from my Master, he will kill him. Well, that’s not exactly fair. He has slaves of his own, which are expected to follow his commands at all times. I in turn, will follow my commands as expected of me.

I don’t want to choose between them two. I know who will win. I just don’t want to choose at all. It isn’t fair to me to do so; needless to say I am tired of their drama fighting. Why can’t they both just grow up, and say look. I was fucked up, let’s move past this and get over this hurtle. If I can, why can’t them?

Journal Entry 3-17-2013

   



     Today was rather long for me. I didn’t sleep very well. My knee was killing me, and it made me toss and turn all night. My eyes are burning still, as if I am tired. I am unsure if it is because I am tired, or if it is because of my new eating habits. On top of that, I am sick and tired of being around my family. On top of which, my parents are basically trying to take over the raising of my daughter. It took all of my strength to not yell at my mom today. I love her, but some days I just want to punch her in the face.

    Other than that I was so happy to hear my Master’s voice today. Hearing him in the morning is so soothing to me. I think I could just hear him rant about anything, and I would find a calming place in my head to just relax. All the bad things in the world disappear; and all that remains is just the two of us. The fact that I feel closer to him now, than I ever have is amazing. We have had so many problems in the past. I think most of it is contributed to a certain person that we both know.

I am once again reminded of my lesson to not listen to rumors. Not only that, but trusting people. It is the hardest thing for me to do, but when you know someone for two years, and they have never let you down you tend to start trusting them. The fact this person was so shady, and deceitful in the end, makes me wonder if they were like this to begin with. I still do not understand that if you are so honest and dependable, why someone would be so cruel.

    I am determined however, to make this work with my Master. I know he isn’t perfect, and neither am I. I will remember that when we are working through our issues. I am also hoping to remember who I am, and to always know my place. I know I will screw up occasionally, but I am pushing myself every day to push through my fears.

My New Slave Rules

My girl will not back talk to her Master. Under no circumstances will argue with her Master.

My girl will do as her owner asks, with no hesitation.

My girl will ask permission from her Master if she is allowed to reply to her Im's, unless it is her family.

My girl will know that her Master is only wanting the best for her, so she will ask permission to do just about anything, besides breathing.

My girl will have no sexual encounters with anyone her Master does not approve.

My girl will speak to her Master about anything she is not sure about, She will not be afraid to ask her Master about questions, Rl, Or Sl. She is his in both.

My girl will speak to her Master appropriately, and if company is around, she will refer to him as "Babe, Honey, or something along those lines." If she is alone with her Master, she will call him Master, or she will be punished.

My girl will finish every sentence with Master, or she will be punished. (If speaking to her Master.)

My girl will ask her Master if it is ok to speak to other people in text. (Unless family members.)

My girl will ask permission to go AFK while talking to her Master. (this includes BRB)

My girl will have NO, Absolutely 0 negative thoughts about herself. She is her Masters Pride and Joy, she will not think anything less of herself.

My girl will write a private journal and write every day before she goes to bed, and show it to her Master. She will not be punished for anything she says in this Journal.

My girl will reply ASAP when she is spoken to her Master.

My girl will exercise every day for at least a half an hour. She is to be careful at all times with her Knee.

My girl may eat what she pleases, but she needs to be healthy.

My girl will do ABSOLUTLY NO DRUGS unless prescribed by a doctor.

My girl will speak her mind to her Master, respectfully.

My girl will never tell a Lie, Cheat, or hide anything from her Master.

 My girl is her Masters Pride, if she is being harassed by anyone, she will speak to her master and tell him about it. She knows she is completely safe with her Master.

My girl will go to bed when her Master tells her to. No exceptions. (If she cannot sleep, she Will text her Master.)

My girl will not touch herself without her Master’s permission

Sub Drop

Sub Drop and Emotions in Committed D/s Relationships
Recently a follower asked about Sub Drop and whether it was possible to experience the effects without actually entering “subspace.” This set me to thinking about the emotional aspects of Sub Drop and how it plays into committed D/s relationships.
Sub Drop is a term used to describe the state of emotional and physical depression a submissive (and sometimes a Dom) can experience after a session. From a physiological standpoint, the intense feeling of euphoria followed by deep melancholy or even depression can be traced to the flood of endorphins released into the brain by the intense stimulation of mind and body during a play session followed by a sudden and rapid drop in those endorphins. The effect can be very much like sudden withdrawal from alcohol or drug dependency and can be very debilitating in extreme instances. While much of what is written about Sub Drop focuses on the physical aspects of BDSM play recovery, the emotional aspects of Sub Drop can be even more intense and potentially long-lasting if not cared for properly.
The sense of malaise and depression stemming from withdrawal from the endorphin spike and other hormones released during play can leave a subs’ body highly imbalanced with all sorts of attendant emotional and psychological ramifications. Some describe the feeling as being relatively mild similar to PMS, a hang over, or having partied too hard the night before with feelings of physical and mental depression lasting for only hours or at most a day or so. Many describe the reaction as just wanting to sleep it off. There are, however, more extreme forms when signs of Drop can be exhibited for weeks after an intense session. These signs can include crying and uncontrollable emotional outbursts, sadness, depression and anxiety. It is not uncommon to experience guilt or doubt about a session and the nature of what was enjoyed. Importantly, Sub Drop is observed more often in long-term and committed relationships than with casual partners.
Committed relationships tend to have a level of intimacy and even dependency that is not typically present in casual BDSM partners. This intimacy can at times feel threatened by the nature of BDSM play where Dominance, submission, punishment, challenge, and the like can lead to questioning the validity of love and intimacy heretofore enjoyed between the partners. Questions along the lines of “how could he do this to me if he loves me?” are quite natural.
Another reason committed relationships can be fertile ground for Sub Drop is that the level of trust often developed between long-time partners can lead to edgier play where boundaries can be more throughly tested. No matter how strong the trust between partners, feelings of disbelief that something so perverted, kinky or dirty could be enjoyable can lead to self-doubt and guilt. These doubts then lead to fear, sadness, loneliness and questioning why anyone would want to engage in BDSM play in the first place. It doesn’t matter how consensual and desirable the actions were at the time, once the head space or subspace is over, in the postmortem of Sub Drop these questions can bring feelings of sadness, questioning, disbelief and even a feeling of betrayal by their partner. This is all very normal and something that every submissive and Dominant should be keenly aware of and prepared for.
These emotions are not limited solely to periods immediately following play. They can manifest themselves during the course of a scene and a Dom, as the responsible cognizant party, must be alert for any signs that his sub is “falling out” and be prepared to stop and immediately provide appropriate aftercare.
Aftercare is a topic of its own that I will cover in greater detail elsewhere, but one of the most important aspects of aftercare is to encourage a partner to open up and let the emotions out. Bottling up feelings and emotions is likely to only prolong any recovery period and may in fact defer any problems beyond the post-scene period and into the rest of the relationship. A Dominant partner should be immediately warm, embracing, loving, accepting, reassuring, nurturing and encouraging. He should allow the sub to recover at her own pace but keep the lines of communication open. Encourage her to talk about her feelings and reassure her that it is normal to feel this way. Above all, he should let her know how much she is valued, treasured, respected, and perhaps most importantly that she has in no way let her Dom down or displeased him in any way.
Sub Drop aftercare is the time when roles must be completely reversed. A Dom must now return all the energy his sub has so freely given to him in the form of comfort, reassurance and love. Sub Drop is a clear and present sign that the battery has been drained completely and it is the number one job of the Dominant to do everything he can to help recharge that battery to its full and powerful state, no matter how much energy or how long it takes.
Give back everything that has been taken and more. It will be given over and over again in return.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image © LordShroud