Congratulations TheScarletFeather on completing Plenty of Fish's unique
"Relationship Needs Assessment." This assessment determines what you
need in a relationship across nine key factors:
Interdependence
Self-Efficacy
Communication
Sexuality
Preferred Expressions of Affection
Intimacy
Relationship Readiness
Conflict Resolution
Attitudes About Love
Your report gives you valuable feedback on each of these factors in several
special ways. Based on your unique answer patterns, you first receive a
synopsis of what you need in a relationship on each factor. To help you address
these issues in actual practice, your report also contains a customized set of
questions for you to consider asking or exploring with potential dating
partners to determine the degree to which a person may meet those unique needs.
In other words, you have guidance for understanding and exploring what it takes
for someone to be "relationship material" with you.
Finally, the assessment reveals any specific issues that you seemed
especially to under-value or over-value. These are likes and dislikes that are
often hidden from your awareness, but they can strongly affect your
relationship decisions. Enjoy your report, contemplate the information and
insights it provides and good luck in applying the results here at the Plenty
of Fish community!
TheScarletFeather, Your Assessment is below
Interdependence
Interdependence refers to how much you need dependency or a "couple
identity" with your partner.
Your answer pattens suggest that you tend not to become overly dependent on
a romantic partner. People scoring like you are comfortable being singled out
for praise and rewards, and their personal identity and independence from
others is important to them. Therefore, it seems you need a reasonable level of
independence in a relationship. This does not mean that you do not desire to be
close with a partner. Indeed, when you feel close to someone, this person often
becomes an important part of who you are on the inside and you probably like
showing off your “couplehood” in public. However, you do not necessarily need
to be constantly “joined at the hip” in order to feel connected and secure in a
relationship. Bottom line: you need someone who reciprocates a strong feeling
of attachment to a partner but who also respects and copes well with the fact
that you benefit from a reasonable level of physical and psychological space at
times.
Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as
is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your
“interdependency” needs with potential partners:
“Are you the type of person who feels lonely easily? Please explain and
share some past experiences of how you coped well or did not cope well”
"When it comes to the time a couple spends together, is quality more
important than quantity in your opinion?"
“When you’ve been away from a partner for any length of time, how have you
filled that time and found personal fulfillment?”
Food for Thought! PlentyofFish wants you to know about some idiosyncrasies
the assessment identified in you. These are issues for you to contemplate on
your own or explore with a professional relationship/dating coach.
Issues you seem to Under-value
It does not bother me when my partner has his/her own set of friends.
Possible reasons you responded this way include negative motivations and
positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you are a
jealous, insecure or possessive person, that you do not appreciate time spent
away from your lover or that you worry because you distrust your partner’s
judgment and taste in friends. On the positive side, it could mean that you
want to be in tune with all current aspects your partner’s life and personal
interests, that you are not overly trusting of others, that you do not put up
rigid boundaries with romantic partners or that you take time and have the
motivation to connect with your partner and learn about his/her history.
Intimacy
Intimacy refers to the how much you need emotional closeness with your
partner.
You are clearly comfortable with giving and receiving emotional intimacy.
You long for emotional closeness and security with a special person, and you
tend to be open with a partner in return. That openness includes lessons
learned from your past experiences and relationships, extending trust,
believing your partner returns your feelings and devotion and being generally
comfortable with surrendering yourself to a partner. In fact, you probably
would feel uncomfortable if there were serious secrets between you and your
partner. Likewise, you probably regard a partner as your best friend and your
foremost confidant. There is likely no hesitation discussing current problems
or concerns with that person. It also seems that you have realistic
expectations for a committed relationship. However, you may find yourself
wondering whether your partner’s feelings are equally as strong as yours.
Still, people in this scoring range are willing to take the risks associated
with being vulnerable on many levels. Bottom line: you need someone who desires
and reciprocates intimacy as much as you do.
Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as
is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “intimacy”
needs with potential partners:
“Do you think couples should always be open and honest with each other, or
are there things that it is okay to hold back?”
“Can you talk and share on an intimate level as well as you listen to a
friend in need?”
Food for Thought! PlentyofFish wants you to know about some idiosyncrasies
the assessment identified in you. These are issues for you to contemplate on
your own or explore with a professional relationship/dating coach.
Issues you seem to Over-value
I believe that what my partner does not know about me will not hurt
him/her. Possible reasons you responded this way include negative motivations
and positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you tend to
put up boundaries with your partner, that you are embarrassed or self critical
or that you have a lack of trust in your partner. On the positive side, it
could mean that you are protective of your partner’s feelings or that you try
to live in the present rather than the past.
Self-efficacy
Self-Efficacy refers to your self-image, stability of mood and level of
motivation.
People at your scoring level feel assertive and expressive most of the time
and strive to maintain a positive attitude. You likely find that having plans
and structured goals help motivates and guides your personal and professional
development. Many people in this scoring range are visionary in their
ambitions, but they can be highly self critical. Indeed, you are likely to be
acutely aware of your own strengths and weaknesses. Therefore, it probably
helps for you to hear praise and recognition, as well as have measurable goals
and benchmarks in order to feel competent in your decisions and actions and to
achieve a strong sense of accomplishment. Bottom line: you need someone who is
extremely supportive of your goals by showing patience and a positive outlook
and who also frequently acknowledges and praises your small and large accomplishments.
Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as
is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your
“self-efficacy” needs with potential partners:
“Do people need to fish for compliments from you, or are you the kind of
person who frequently gives spontaneous acknowledgements and praise to others?”
“What are the most important responsibilities in a friendship?”
“Do you think success in life is largely a matter of good organization or
largely a matter of luck?”
Relationship readiness
Relationship Readiness refers to how prepared you are emotionally,
psychologically and pragmatically for a committed relationship.
In some ways, you may not be fully ready for a committed relationship. You
seem to feel a fair degree of comfort and grounding in your life right now. In
fact, most people in this range have a clear vision and a sense of purpose for
their life. They also feel in control, but sometimes that sense of control can
be fleeting or a false sense of security. For example, it is often the case
that people in this scoring range need to address unresolved issues that can
interfere with them having the life and relationship they want. These could be
financial or legal issues or even physical, emotional or health issues. It may
also be the case that you are seeking a relationship primarily to fill a void
in your life or to gain a feeling of acceptance and belonging that was weakened
or lost due to other relationships that ended or disappointed you. Bottom line:
you need someone who will be patient and supportive as you figure out your
needs rather than who will rush the relationship prematurely.
Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as
is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your
“relationship readiness” needs with potential partners:
“Responding candidly, what are your strengths and weaknesses as a friend?”
“What are the most important responsibilities you have to a romantic
partner?”
“Do you feel offended or rejected when a partner asks for time, space or
privacy to take care of some personal business?”
Communication
Communication refers to your approach to interpersonal interactions and
level of emotional intelligence.
Effective communicators have strong emotional intelligence, and you seem to
have an excellent level of emotional intelligence. It is expected that you show
considerable tolerance of ambiguity and emotional expression. You have the
capacity for being extremely sensitive to other’s feelings and to their body
language. Those who know you well would probably describe you as patient and
eager to listen to others. People in this scoring range are also not afraid of
making or admitting to mistakes. They consistently and bravely show
vulnerability to others. In fact, they are keenly aware how their behavior
impacts others. You can communicate your needs and feelings honestly when
someone engages you directly, but you may not always take the initiative to be
assertive with others. In this sense, it is likely that you seek to understand
others, rather than seek for others to understand you. Bottom line: you need
someone who will not put up emotional barriers when you seek to understand
his/her thoughts and feelings, but rather will communicate with you intimately
and candidly.
Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as
is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your
“communication” needs with potential partners:
“Do you ever feel afraid that once a romantic partner gets to know you
really well, that s/he will like who you really are or will think less of you?”
“Do you find it difficult to trust a romantic partner completely? Explain”
“Would you feel uncomfortable telling your partner about things in the past
of which you felt ashamed?”
Food for Thought! PlentyofFish wants you to know about some idiosyncrasies
the assessment identified in you. These are issues for you to contemplate on
your own or explore with a professional relationship/dating coach.
Issues you seem to Over-value
I am able to confront someone who has hurt my feelings. Possible reasons
you responded this way include negative motivations and positive motivations.
On the negative side, it could mean that you are unaware of how your behavior
impacts others, that you do not have a good understanding of your strengths and
weaknesses, that you dislike to give others the benefit of the doubt and focus
on negatives rather than positives or that you do not forgive easily. On the
positive side, it could mean that you do not avoid conflict, that you can
articulate your feelings well or that you are surrounded by others with whom
you feel safe and secure.
Issues you seem to Under-value
I am comfortable with my feelings of sadness, joy, anger and fear. Possible
reasons you responded this way include negative motivations and positive
motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you have poor
relationship skills, that you do not have a strong support system around you or
that you do not have good stress management skills. On the positive side, it
could mean that you do not like emotions to overrule sense and reason when
communicating.
Conflict resolution
Conflict Resolution refers to your stress management and problem solving
skills.
Effective conflict resolution has nine general elements: View Conflict as
Positive; Address Conflict in the Proper Atmosphere; Clarify Perceptions; Note
Needs, not wants; Draw on the Power of a Positive Partnership; Focus on the
Future, then learn from the past; Identify Options for Mutual Gain; Develop
‘Doables’ or stepping stones to action; and Make Mutually-Beneficial
Agreements. Your score indicates that you are strongest in the areas of Viewing
Conflict as Positive (as learning opportunities); Clarifying Perceptions;
Noting Needs; Drawing on Power of a Positive Partnership; and Developing
Doables or stepping stones for actions. This all suggests that you are very
action-oriented when addressing problems. Rather than avoid conflict, you seem
to evaluate the possible solutions and then actively engage your partner to
work on a positive outcome. Your definition of positive outcomes, however, may
not always agree with your partner’s definition. For example, in eagerness to
find what appears to be a complete and genuine resolution of a conflict rather
than settling for a temporary agreement, you may focus on meeting your needs
while unwittingly downplaying or minimizing whether your partner’s needs have
been met as well. Furthermore, people in this scoring range do not consistently
consider the Proper Atmosphere when addressing relationship problems. That is,
you may neither consistently arrange for a mutually acceptable time and setting
nor choose your opening statement carefully to establish positive yet realistic
expectations. Bottom line: you need someone who is calm, cool and collected and
who is willing to address issues spontaneously and through intense,
action-oriented debates and discussions.
Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is”
or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “conflict
resolution” needs with potential partners:
“Would you describe yourself as a rapid thinker? Explain”
“When you become frustrated at not being able to figure out the solution to
a problem, does that make you work even harder to solve it? Explain”
“On a typical day, would you describe yourself as a person who likes
frequent change? Explain”
Sexuality
Sexuality refers to your needs (frequency, boundaries, expressions) related
to physical intimacy.
Scientific models of love and attachment always include physical chemistry
and sexuality. It is a crucial topic for any couple to address, because it
involves issues of control and vulnerability. People at your scoring level have
a firm sense of their sexual orientation, preferred sexual activities and
comfort level. You like sex that is romantic, adventurous and fun, but for you
sex is not a casual event. Sex has great importance in your relationship, and
it is reserved for someone you love. You may think your sexual preferences
would be viewed as conservative by others, but you are no prude. You are
confident in your own sexual ability and are open to try various activities. In
fact, you probably like to experiment actively. A defining characteristic of
people in this scoring range is their willingness to be vulnerable and
relinquish control in the bedroom to their partners. In other words, you are
not sexually selfish – you like to focus on pleasing your partner and
submitting to his/her desires. Bottom line: you need someone who regards sex as
a meaningful bond between people in love and who appreciates being the center
of attention in the bedroom.
Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as
is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “sexual”
needs with potential partners:
“Would you eagerly talk to your partner about your sexual fantasies?”
“Is it like you to direct your partner what to do in bed so s/he knows best
how to please you?”
“In your mind, is there any difference between ‘having sex’ and ‘making
love’?”
Attitudes toward love
Attitudes Toward Love refers to your level of needs for romantic love and
friendship love.
There are two main types of love – Romantic Love and Companionate Love.
Romantic Love is passionate, emotional and intense, whereas Companionate Love
is a deep, affectionate attachment. People feel these two types of loves to
different degrees in a relationship, and the levels of each can fluctuate over
time. You scored as someone who may be best described as "a realist with a
touch of hopeless romantic.” This means that you do value Romantic Love, but
for you a relationship must have a strong dose of Companionate Love. Thus,
people in this scoring range typically believe that differences can be overcome
and lasting love can be sustained if the couple does the hard of work of
consistently showing mutual understanding and accommodation. In this sense, it
is likely that you believe soul mates are made, not born. Bottom line: you need
someone who believes that the best kind of love grows out of a strong
friendship.
Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as
is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “love
attitude” needs with potential partners:
“Do you believe that the best kind of love grows out of strong friendship?”
“In your opinion, how can a couple overcome differences on issues like
religion, ethnicity, politics or social class?”
“When it comes to a romantic partner, how would define someone who is
unusually well adjusted?”
Food for Thought! PlentyofFish wants you to know about some idiosyncrasies
the assessment identified in you. These are issues for you to contemplate on
your own or explore with a professional relationship/dating
coach.
Issues you seem to Over-value
When you are separated from the love partner, the rest of the world seems
dull and unsatisfying. Possible reasons you responded this way include negative
motivations and positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that
you are unrealistic, that you have poor balance in your life, that you are
obsessive or that you have poor self esteem. On the positive side, it could
mean that you form strong attachments, that you are not self absorbed or that
your main focus is your partner.
Preferred Expressions of Affection
Preferred Expressions of Affection refers to your likes and dislikes for
different ways a partner can express love and devotion.
There are many ways in which people show affection to their loved ones:
physical touch, doing favors, spending time together, giving gifts or
communicating love through words. Statistically, you gave higher weighted
ratings to Actions. Bottom line: You need someone who can express affection
through simple or grand acts of kindness – such as helping you out around the
house, running errands for you or doing favors without being asked.
Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as
is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “affection”
needs with potential partners:
“In what ways – if any – do you like for a partner to depend on you?”
“Have you offered to throw a party for someone? – if so, why did you take
on that responsibility?”
“What are some things you have done for other people that they would say
were the most thoughtful?”
Out of the various modes of expressing affection, Physical Touch received
lower weighted ratings from you. Bottom line: This does not necessarily mean
that you neither like nor need to be touched. Rather, it suggests that you need
someone who can show affection in ways other than just physical contact – such
as frequent tickles, constantly holding hands, public hugs and kisses or light
touches as s/he passes by.
Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as
is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “affection”
needs with potential partners:
“How do you flirt physically with a partner and how often do you like to?”
“Do you like to act like a kid and playfully wrestle or have a tickle or
pillow fight with a partner?”
“How comfortable are you with PDAs (Public Displays of Affection) and which
kinds?”
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