Sub Drop

Sub Drop and Emotions in Committed D/s Relationships
Recently a follower asked about Sub Drop and whether it was possible to experience the effects without actually entering “subspace.” This set me to thinking about the emotional aspects of Sub Drop and how it plays into committed D/s relationships.
Sub Drop is a term used to describe the state of emotional and physical depression a submissive (and sometimes a Dom) can experience after a session. From a physiological standpoint, the intense feeling of euphoria followed by deep melancholy or even depression can be traced to the flood of endorphins released into the brain by the intense stimulation of mind and body during a play session followed by a sudden and rapid drop in those endorphins. The effect can be very much like sudden withdrawal from alcohol or drug dependency and can be very debilitating in extreme instances. While much of what is written about Sub Drop focuses on the physical aspects of BDSM play recovery, the emotional aspects of Sub Drop can be even more intense and potentially long-lasting if not cared for properly.
The sense of malaise and depression stemming from withdrawal from the endorphin spike and other hormones released during play can leave a subs’ body highly imbalanced with all sorts of attendant emotional and psychological ramifications. Some describe the feeling as being relatively mild similar to PMS, a hang over, or having partied too hard the night before with feelings of physical and mental depression lasting for only hours or at most a day or so. Many describe the reaction as just wanting to sleep it off. There are, however, more extreme forms when signs of Drop can be exhibited for weeks after an intense session. These signs can include crying and uncontrollable emotional outbursts, sadness, depression and anxiety. It is not uncommon to experience guilt or doubt about a session and the nature of what was enjoyed. Importantly, Sub Drop is observed more often in long-term and committed relationships than with casual partners.
Committed relationships tend to have a level of intimacy and even dependency that is not typically present in casual BDSM partners. This intimacy can at times feel threatened by the nature of BDSM play where Dominance, submission, punishment, challenge, and the like can lead to questioning the validity of love and intimacy heretofore enjoyed between the partners. Questions along the lines of “how could he do this to me if he loves me?” are quite natural.
Another reason committed relationships can be fertile ground for Sub Drop is that the level of trust often developed between long-time partners can lead to edgier play where boundaries can be more throughly tested. No matter how strong the trust between partners, feelings of disbelief that something so perverted, kinky or dirty could be enjoyable can lead to self-doubt and guilt. These doubts then lead to fear, sadness, loneliness and questioning why anyone would want to engage in BDSM play in the first place. It doesn’t matter how consensual and desirable the actions were at the time, once the head space or subspace is over, in the postmortem of Sub Drop these questions can bring feelings of sadness, questioning, disbelief and even a feeling of betrayal by their partner. This is all very normal and something that every submissive and Dominant should be keenly aware of and prepared for.
These emotions are not limited solely to periods immediately following play. They can manifest themselves during the course of a scene and a Dom, as the responsible cognizant party, must be alert for any signs that his sub is “falling out” and be prepared to stop and immediately provide appropriate aftercare.
Aftercare is a topic of its own that I will cover in greater detail elsewhere, but one of the most important aspects of aftercare is to encourage a partner to open up and let the emotions out. Bottling up feelings and emotions is likely to only prolong any recovery period and may in fact defer any problems beyond the post-scene period and into the rest of the relationship. A Dominant partner should be immediately warm, embracing, loving, accepting, reassuring, nurturing and encouraging. He should allow the sub to recover at her own pace but keep the lines of communication open. Encourage her to talk about her feelings and reassure her that it is normal to feel this way. Above all, he should let her know how much she is valued, treasured, respected, and perhaps most importantly that she has in no way let her Dom down or displeased him in any way.
Sub Drop aftercare is the time when roles must be completely reversed. A Dom must now return all the energy his sub has so freely given to him in the form of comfort, reassurance and love. Sub Drop is a clear and present sign that the battery has been drained completely and it is the number one job of the Dominant to do everything he can to help recharge that battery to its full and powerful state, no matter how much energy or how long it takes.
Give back everything that has been taken and more. It will be given over and over again in return.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image © LordShroud

On the naughty list

Gorean Santa: What do you want for Christmas, little girl

 Me: grins wickedly and then says, "Well Santa, for Christmas I would like to be bent over your knee and spanked until both my ass cheeks are as rosy as your cheeks, and then forced to my knees with your cock balls deep down my throat, making me teary eyed as I cant breath until you let up, and then after all that teasing and you cant take it anymore, I want to be put on my knees, and forced to bend over while you have me spread my ass open so you can sit there looking at my cunt and my ass, and when you are ready to take me, and use me until your balls are completely drained, then I want you Santa to use me in any hole, without mercy" she grinned, "and after that I want a pink kailla to ride through the fields"

My Name is Batty!!!

Yo, the name is Batty
The logic is erratic,
Potato in a jacket,
Toys in the attic,
I rock and I ramble,
My brain is scrambled,
Rap like an animal but I'm a mammal

I been brain-fried, electrified, infected and injectified,
Vivosectified and fed pesticides,
My face is all cut up
My radar's all shut up
Nurse I need a check-up from the neck up,
I'm Batty

It seems to have no effect doctor

They used and abused me,
Battered and bruised me,
Red wires green wires stuck em' right through me,
So hear my Batty word,
And excersise a little prudence,
When dealing with humans,

*people talking*
Phone call Mr Darwin
All the graduate students please move closer..
scapel, more nitrous oxide
The eye makeup when inserted rectly seems to have some effect
Remove the brain cap
You notice by dipping the bat in a series of pain..
After a 6 hundred packs of cigeretts
The animal seems to exhibit some..
I said orally
OMG I'm reading by my genitals
Insert the electro.. we're losing him
Seems to have no effect doctor
Wait, get me another one.. get me another animal!
Look professor they dance up and down just like elvis
Fine, strap him down, if he moves medicate him,
Medicate him, medicate me!
Seems to have no effect doctor
Thank you nurse,
Why don't you ever call me?
*people talking*

Doesn't seem like animals comprehend any pain,
They just get used to it!

Cause I'm a real fruit bat and I'm ready to rap,
I'm ready to snap,
I suffer from sciatica and chapped lips,
And jock itch,
Like a rocket in my pocket and a need to scratch,
But now I can't stop it,
I'm Batty...

I'm a real fruit bat and my logic is erratic,
I'm Batty...
Its my batty rap
Shave his head its just and animal!
My batty rap..
If you just take a little off the sides
Who's Batty? Moi

Gotta love the classics

Happy Turkey Day

Snagged this from my friends blog

 Dominance and submission - Life on its Ear?

To the outside world, everything about us is upside down. Those of us who live or dabble in the leather life see things differently, do things differently, love differently. We are passionate, curious, and full of energy and life. We take pleasure from a touch of fear and pain. We appear weak when we should be strong yet we are strongest when we appear our weakest. We find freedom in bondage, and independence in being owned. Our Doms appear to be male chauvinists, inappropriately perpetuating the male dominance stereotype, but are often the kindest gentlemen and most attentive and caring partners and lovers. Our submissives appear to be weak dishrags, undermining the hard-won rights of women in society, yet they are some of the most independent and strong-willed women to be found anywhere. To the vanilla world, everything we do is backward, upside-down, and foreign. In short, we scare the Hell out of them.

And yet as much as the vanilla world fears us they are morbidly fascinated with us as well. Perhaps we appeal to some base desire, primal urges that have been buried in the course of upbringing and societal conditioning. Really the only difference between them and us is that we shed our societal skins (some more privately than others) and allow ourselves to feel and revel in the natural urges of childhood and adolescence that we bury in our attempts to fit into the adult world. We go with our gut as it were. We act on our urges and  inherent natures with the abandon of a child but with the responsibility of adults. What looks like a carnal machiavellian free for all to the vanilla world is really a very carefully choreographed dance designed to feed our urges and needs while ensuring the safety and respect of those who choose to dance with us. Things are never fully as they appear.

Until recently it was nearly impossible for vanilla folk to look very deeply into the leather world without actually taking a step into it themselves. Sure, there was a little BDSM pornography here and there but it was very difficult to come by. About the only option was to place personal ads or find one’s way to a BDSM club in one of the major metropolitan areas, something few vanilla folks would ever consider. But along comes the Internet and suddenly anyone with a computer or a smart phone can peek behind the curtain and a whole lot more. The trouble is, what they see is often very different from what we do. And the misperceptions developed by pornographic images, videos, and uninformed writing are adopted as gospel by newcomers and wannabes, often to the detriment of themselves, their partners, and the leather community as a whole. Our fearsome and near satanic reputation in the vanilla world is only further cemented by bad actors or misinformed newcomers.

The Internet not only allows vanilla folks to peek behind the curtain, it allows them to pretend to be one of us and part of our community. While we welcome newcomers and often go out of our way to help educate and inform, the Internet allows anyone with an imagination and a minimal ability to communicate in writing to present themselves as a Dom or sub. Of even greater concern, to present themselves as knowledgeable and experienced.

With all the attention brought to BDSM and D/s lifestyles by mainstream entertainment such as the 50 Shades trilogy, people have become more curious than ever before and the curtain is not just being peeked around but is being ripped away. As the glare from the light of the vanilla world grows ever harsher, experienced practitioners of the BDSM lifestyle are shrinking further and further back into the shadows, leaving only the newcomers to talk amongst themselves. The result is a whole new universe of inexperienced and uninitiated people communicating with one another purporting to represent the BDSM lifestyle online who frankly have no experience whatsoever. The free for all is nowhere more apparent than on Tumblr.

Wannabe subs and Doms are everywhere on Tumblr and to some degree this is a wonderful thing because it shows just how interested and curious people really are about BDSM and D/s. And for those who genuinely take the time to seek out good information and become students of the art form, there is a wealth of knowledge here though you have to dig through a lot of bullshit to find it. Those of us who feel ourselves to be part of this lifestyle almost universally consider ourselves to be students of it. We thirst for knowledge and experience. We truly study BDSM, striving to be continually better at our craft. For some, it is almost a full-time occupation. We take this very, very seriously.

People who have never actually experienced the power and majesty of a D/s relationship stick out like a sore thumb to those who have. Take the wannabe Doms for example, the guy who posts captions under every picture on their blog along the lines of “get on your knees and suck my dick slut” and “this is going to hurt but you are going to thank me for it.” Uh, no. No really, that may be your fantasy but that is not how it works and not frankly where the reward lies either. That is the imagery of the Internet pornography talking but has little or nothing to do with actually having a D/s relationship with a living breathing human being. And frankly, it misses the whole point.

What the vanilla world fails to grasp in its shallow pornographic peek into our world is the depth of the relationships that can be built around Dominance and submission. This is not brainwashing or cult activity. This is the bonding of two human hearts and minds in a way that is difficult to describe. While the vanilla wannabe Dom is fantasizing about forcing a sub to do things for him and accept things from him, the genuine and experienced Dom is thinking about how to be worthy of ever greater devotion and a growing desire to please on the part of his submissive. The wannabe wants to force, the Dom wants to entice. A vanilla wannabe is so intent on getting what he wants through force of will that he cannot even conceive of a relationship where a submissive would actually crave dropping to her knees and worshipping him. It is utterly beyond his comprehension. So all he sees in the BDSM pornography is the woman on her knees, bound and cuffed, and he can only assume that she is there against her will or by force of his. He cannot conceive of the sort of relationship where a submissive would actually crave the release of self experienced in submission and have a pervasive and continual desire to want to please her Dom in every possible way. As I said, everything about us is foreign to the vanilla world.

To vanilla folk we appear to objectify one another in a D/s relationship; Doms are totems to be worshipped, subs are objects to be used and discarded. The wannabe Doms and subs act on this belief and can be seen doing so all over Tumblr. Sadly, a lot of people are missing the whole point of D/s in these actions and I perceive are getting pretty emotionally hurt in the process. Far from being objects, genuine Doms and subs are the epicenter of each others’ universe. Doms spend much of their waking hours thinking of how to be more worthy to their submissive, and submissives spend much or their mental energy thinking about how to be more pleasing to their master. This is far from the typical “what’s in it for me” attitude of many vanilla relationships. Indeed, once again it is a polar opposite. D/s is inherently a giving relationship where even the Dom who outwardly appears to be taking all the time is indeed focussed entirely on the needs of his submissive and how he can be ever more worthy of her submission. Indeed, the Dom sheds self nearly as much as the sub does, just in different ways.

So do we turn life on it’s ear here in this D/s lifestyle? Perhaps to the vanilla observer we do, but I would argue quite the opposite. We in the BDSM lifestyle are actually living more authentic lives, in greater harmony with our selves and the needs and desires of our partners, than most vanilla relationships. In many respects I believe that it is society that has turned life on its ear and that we who strive for successful, sensual D/s relationships are actually closer to our true selves and have deeper emotional and physical relations than most in the vanilla world could ever conceive.

So pay attention as you roam around Tumblr and elsewhere, read the words people write and look for the belief structures behind them. If you pay attention you will likely get a good sense of who the person is, whether they really have any concept of D/s and the BDSM lifestyle, and whether they are truly a student of the Dominance and submission craft or just a paragon of bluster and bravado or a desperate craving for acceptance. All are welcome here but sadly not all get it.

So whose life is on its ear? I’ll take mine thanks.

Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012

Ah, Hell No Creeper

(Found this on Fetlife...So thought I'd share it)

Actually, you DON'T have the right to not be perved or creeped on.

So, I've noticed a trend of late. There's been a lot of posts by the younger scamps and scampettes about how awful it is to get all sorts of crude, rude, graphic messages from (gasp) the OLD PEOPLE.

First off, eat a dick. You aren't THAT fucking amazing, kid. But that's just me being mean and bitter. Don't worry, once you've aged a few more years, you'll get there, too.

My MAIN point, however, is this.

You actually do NOT have the "right" to not be hit on, talked rudely/lewdly to, or generally looked upon as a sex-object.

Yes. I know. This is absolutely horrid and atrocious.

Boo fucking hoo, you whiny little cunt. Shut up and pay attention.

What you DO have is the right to tell the other person to fuck off. This right is held by you and you alone. Not your Daddy, not your Mommy, not your Sir, not your Ma'am, not (insert whatever cock-assed descriptor you're using THIS week) .

YOU.

YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR DEALING WITH YOUR OWN SHIT.

If someone says something to you that makes you feel "unsafe" or "not secure"...guess what?

That actually has nothing to do with them . It's all in YOUR head.

It is not our responsibility to make a perfectly safe little bubble of unreal world where you can say or do whatever you want, while everyone around you tiptoes around trying oh-so-carefully to not offend you or hurt your feelings or Satan forbid, make you feel "uncomfortable".

It is, in fact, not only not our responsibility to do that, it is our SACRED HOLY MISSION to burst that bright plastic little safety-bubble you live in.

This is the Life. It has teeth, and it has claws, and it will FUCK YOU, KILL YOU, and EAT YOU if you aren't careful.

If you want to play, that's fine and dandy. play all you want.

For sweet fuckery's sake though, you WHINY LITTLE SHITS...don't complain when you find out you've been playing with a tiger all along and it turns around and bites you.

As for being hit on by people you don't like?

Big fucking deal.

Man (or Woman) up, and deal with it just like we did when we were your ages.

Stop being such miserable little cunts and just get on with your damned lives.

Which, by the way, aren't anywhere NEAR as interesting/ hot/awesome/amazing as you think they are.
THAT IS ALL.

FUCK YOU

You know, I was sorry for hurting you, for feeling like I betrayed you by keeping a secret. Did I ever sleep with anyone else? No, did I want too..No…would I have..Never…

You made me feel like everything was my fault, ever problem, dream, curse, spoken word, action…

You told me that my secret was like cheating on you…how worthless I felt!

Now I know the truth. Now I know the real you. It wasnt my secret, it was the fact you wanted out from the get go. You had found someone new.

Well I am glad that the way you were so easy to walk away, and to not feel guilty was to put me down so low that I felt I couldnt bare to live….

I am glad I got to know the real you now…and now for the first time in a long time…I am no longer sorry for my secret…for I kept it because I didnt want to hurt you by saying I was unhappy…
but you hurt me by saying what you said, and cheating!!!

Thank you for proving me right!!! yet despite it all..I wish you happiness…for I know I will find mine!