Please forgive me one day

Leonardo da Vinci: What have you done?
Henry: I have been born to privilege, and with that comes specific obligations.

Leonardo da Vinci: Horse shit!
Henry: You are out of line, old man.
Leonardo da Vinci: No, you are out of line. Have you any idea what that girl went through to get here tonight?

Henry: She lied to me.
Leonardo da Vinci: She came to tell you the truth, and you've fed her to the wolves!

Henry: What do you know? You build flying machines and you walk on water, and yet you know nothing about life!

Leonardo da Vinci: I know that a life without love is no life at all.

Henry: And love without trust? What of that?
Leonardo da Vinci: She's your match, Henry.

I made the worst mistake a human being could ever make. I hid something from someone I loved. If I could go back in time and change it I would, but I cant. Truth is I have always lived my life this way. Putting my happiness on the back burner to ensure that my partner in life was happy. My mom did it to my dad, and everytime she ever wanted anything for herself, or for them both he would cheat or worse take all the money in the bank and leave.

I am not saying it is an excuse, but its part of my mentality. I never wanted to hurt him, that was that last thing in my life I ever wanted. I just wanted him happiness, and telling him that I wanted something, was selfish to me. It scared me, because I truly believed if I ever wanted anything, that he would leave. So I never asked, I never spoke it. I simply hid it from him. Now because of this, he left me.

I dont blame him. I myself would have left me too I suppose. I understand why he left, and I am not angry with him. I am truly devastated but what could I do? I am the one that messed up, and I now have to suffer the consequences.  It really hurts though, because as I sit here I realize just how truly I am alone, and just what I lost.

I cant change what happened, I can only move on from it and try to learn from my mistakes. Am I sorry for what I did, yes tremendously but no matter how many times I say it, I dont think it will ever be fully heard, understood, or accepted. The worst thing is, I will never forgive myself. I dont know where to go from here, even writing this is so hard. I havent stopped crying, I feel like I cant breathe, and I just want to roll over and shut myself down.

I've only felt this way before one other time, and I just dont know how to go on from here. I wont ever make an excuse, I did what I did, I knew what I was doing, and I shouldnt have done it. No matter what. I just paid the biggest price. I just wish he could see that I do love him, and nothing in the world matters to me but him. Now it is too late.

I cant begin to reveal how deeply sorry I am for every putting him through this pain. I know what I did, I am forever sorry. I know you want nothing to do to with me, but if I could ask for one thing, one deep wish that could be granted...It would simply be that you find your true happiness. No matter where it is. You are a great man, you deserve to be happy, even if it isnt with me.

I love you Brad, so much. I am so very truly sorry for ever hurting you. I hope one day you can forgive me!