Sub Drop and Emotions in Committed D/s Relationships
Recently a follower asked about Sub Drop and whether it was possible to experience the effects without actually entering “subspace.” This set me to thinking about the emotional aspects of Sub Drop and how it plays into committed D/s relationships.
Sub Drop is a term used to describe the state of emotional and physical depression a submissive (and sometimes a Dom) can experience after a session. From a physiological standpoint, the intense feeling of euphoria followed by deep melancholy or even depression can be traced to the flood of endorphins released into the brain by the intense stimulation of mind and body during a play session followed by a sudden and rapid drop in those endorphins. The effect can be very much like sudden withdrawal from alcohol or drug dependency and can be very debilitating in extreme instances. While much of what is written about Sub Drop focuses on the physical aspects of BDSM play recovery, the emotional aspects of Sub Drop can be even more intense and potentially long-lasting if not cared for properly.
The sense of malaise and depression stemming from withdrawal from the endorphin spike and other hormones released during play can leave a subs’ body highly imbalanced with all sorts of attendant emotional and psychological ramifications. Some describe the feeling as being relatively mild similar to PMS, a hang over, or having partied too hard the night before with feelings of physical and mental depression lasting for only hours or at most a day or so. Many describe the reaction as just wanting to sleep it off. There are, however, more extreme forms when signs of Drop can be exhibited for weeks after an intense session. These signs can include crying and uncontrollable emotional outbursts, sadness, depression and anxiety. It is not uncommon to experience guilt or doubt about a session and the nature of what was enjoyed. Importantly, Sub Drop is observed more often in long-term and committed relationships than with casual partners.
Committed relationships tend to have a level of intimacy and even dependency that is not typically present in casual BDSM partners. This intimacy can at times feel threatened by the nature of BDSM play where Dominance, submission, punishment, challenge, and the like can lead to questioning the validity of love and intimacy heretofore enjoyed between the partners. Questions along the lines of “how could he do this to me if he loves me?” are quite natural.
Another reason committed relationships can be fertile ground for Sub Drop is that the level of trust often developed between long-time partners can lead to edgier play where boundaries can be more throughly tested. No matter how strong the trust between partners, feelings of disbelief that something so perverted, kinky or dirty could be enjoyable can lead to self-doubt and guilt. These doubts then lead to fear, sadness, loneliness and questioning why anyone would want to engage in BDSM play in the first place. It doesn’t matter how consensual and desirable the actions were at the time, once the head space or subspace is over, in the postmortem of Sub Drop these questions can bring feelings of sadness, questioning, disbelief and even a feeling of betrayal by their partner. This is all very normal and something that every submissive and Dominant should be keenly aware of and prepared for.
These emotions are not limited solely to periods immediately following play. They can manifest themselves during the course of a scene and a Dom, as the responsible cognizant party, must be alert for any signs that his sub is “falling out” and be prepared to stop and immediately provide appropriate aftercare.
Aftercare is a topic of its own that I will cover in greater detail elsewhere, but one of the most important aspects of aftercare is to encourage a partner to open up and let the emotions out. Bottling up feelings and emotions is likely to only prolong any recovery period and may in fact defer any problems beyond the post-scene period and into the rest of the relationship. A Dominant partner should be immediately warm, embracing, loving, accepting, reassuring, nurturing and encouraging. He should allow the sub to recover at her own pace but keep the lines of communication open. Encourage her to talk about her feelings and reassure her that it is normal to feel this way. Above all, he should let her know how much she is valued, treasured, respected, and perhaps most importantly that she has in no way let her Dom down or displeased him in any way.
Sub Drop aftercare is the time when roles must be completely reversed. A Dom must now return all the energy his sub has so freely given to him in the form of comfort, reassurance and love. Sub Drop is a clear and present sign that the battery has been drained completely and it is the number one job of the Dominant to do everything he can to help recharge that battery to its full and powerful state, no matter how much energy or how long it takes.
Give back everything that has been taken and more. It will be given over and over again in return.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image © LordShroud
